Goldi's Locks of Yarn

My place to discuss my raging obsession with yarn and crochet along with happenings in my life and the world at large

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Hardest thing to do...

I wrote this little rant yesterday, and then chickened out and drafted it, wasn't sure if I wanted to post any of this. But as I've been browsing through the blogs of others, I am finding it easier to relate with those who are brave and honest enough to share their struggles as well as their joys, and it helps me to understand them better. So, with the thought toward allowing folks a bit of a peek into my private world, I will go ahead and post this. And then I'm off for a desperately-needed nap before starting the frantic dash toward the end of my weekend, trying to catch up all the things I'd wanted and meant to do over the past two days and didn't seem to manage to get there. As purging as it may be, I don't know that I'll be making a habit of this. I'd much rather just talk about all things yarn here.

My Saturday morning ramblings...

I'm struggling. I mean really struggling, on all levels. I just got off the phone with my landlord, a call I had to spend my entire morning screwing up the courage to make. Rent was due yesterday. Haven't got it, won't have it until my next paycheck, which will arrive the day after my bankruptcy hearing. I knew I was in trouble by the end of last summer, should have filed then but had been hoping (illogically, it seems) that some miracle would come along and render it unnecessary. My finances have been in a state of total collapse ever since, despite every effort I've made to improve them. In fact, many of my efforts only served to sink me further. I have never been more than a day or two late with the rent in the 3 years I've lived here, this is a first (and, I pray, the last), and it was the hardest thing to do to call him to let him know it would be another two weeks before I could come up with it.

The problem was that if I paid the rent, I would have absolutely ZERO money to live on for the next two weeks. Gas for my car (just for driving to and from work, no additional excursions) is running me about $120.00 per pay period (that works out to about $60 a week)! I was overdue on a couple of other bills and absolutely had to get them caught up this time. And it would certainly have been nice to be able to buy even a little bit of food over the next couple of weeks. Luckily, I don't eat all that much anyway, but still... Worst of all, I discovered I'd managed to forget to record a deduction out of my checking account and overdrew it by $14 the day before payday - and that cost me another $30 I didn't have! They just keep sinking you!

To make matters worse, depression has flattened me. I haven't had a depressive episode this severe in nearly 10 years, and it has a "new" element that I only recently recognized and acknowledged, something I've been suffering from for over four years and didn't even realize it: severe anxiety, the kind that causes hyperventilation. I've struggled with that one every blessed day, especially when I have to leave the house for any reason. I won't pin an "excuse" label on it for my chronic tardiness at work, though it is a major reason for it - it is a battle for me to force myself to get ready and leave the house every single morning. The potential threat of losing my job only adds to the burden. Sometimes I feel totally helpless in the face of it.

I've already had several meetings with my manager over the tardiness issue. She's been understanding, but even so, understanding can only go so far. She is pressuring me to go on antidepressants again. It has been nearly ten years since I weaned myself off the prozac, and knowing what we do now about these powerful drugs, I really don't want to be forced to go back on them. I was lucky to get off the prozac without any side effects the last time, I can't say I'd be so lucky this time. Yeah, I've got insurance that would cover most of the cost, but ironically, at this time I really can't even afford the deductibles to go see the doctor (once I find a new one, we switched insurance plans yet AGAIN, this makes 3 times in 3 years!) and to fill the prescription. And then I worry, what if I were to lose my job? Those drugs aren't cheap, and neither is insurance, especially the COBRA insurance. I wouldn't be able to afford that, and at the time when I would be at my most vulnerable, I'd have to quit taking them - and keep my fingers crossed I don't have adverse reactions like so many people.

It seems like there's an awful lot of people on antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills nowadays, most are taking them just so they can maintain a "normal" life, some in order to save their jobs (like I am being forced to contemplate). Even my boss, who is pressuring me to get on them, is on them. There is something very wrong in our society if people must take drugs just to cope with everyday living. Everything is out of balance, and I suspect that folks like me, who are having to take these drugs, are more sensitive than most to these imbalances, yet we aren't being given any acceptable alternatives. Yeah, it can be very depressing.

For some reason, April has always been my hardest month, with December following a close second. I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes it so hard, or at least I used to not have a clue. One would think that the promise of spring with the hint of longer, brighter warmer days beyond would be a pick-me-up instead of the downer it always seems to be. I don't know. But ever since I lost my son to suicide four years ago this past Wednesday, April has been harder and harder for me to get through. This month (and this past week especially), I've often felt like I was hanging on by a fragile thread. My financial burdens have certainly not helped the situation, at all. I often feel like I'm living on the razor's edge, not a very comfortable feeling. And I'm just not sure that getting on these drugs will be in my best interests. I remember one gal at work who confided she was on them and stated that they took her personality away. She had always been a very bouncy, lively person, but then we all noticed she had become very subdued. Okay, so maybe it numbs you to the existantial angst and pain you may be feeling, but do we honestly need to be voluntarily turning ourselves into happy little corporate robots? That is how I feel about it.

But I'm going to have to make a decision soon. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get the internal engines revved quickly enough in the morning to make it out the door by my self-imposed deadline in order to arrive at work on time. By the time I make it there, I'm a nervous wreck and in internal chaos, silently cussing myself out for being such a screw-up. It's just not a good way to start the day!

And that reminds me, I had received some very valuable suggestions from a friend regarding working with our "inner saboteurs", those parts of ourselves that seem to so often hijack our good intentions and make a total mess of it all. She was unaware of my situation when she wrote about that, but as I have so often experienced, it was information I really needed. Now all I have to do is pin myself down to working with it according to her suggestions. My saboteurs are running rampant and need to be reminded that whatever happens to me, happens to "them" too! Maybe that will help to tame them.

My crochet activities have been a slender lifeline for me, the one thing that is keeping me hanging on and helping me to get through my days. If I didn't have that, I don't know, they'd probably find me curled into a fetal position in a corner of my bedroom. That's far too often what I feel like doing.

I don't particularly enjoy writing and displaying my "negative baggage" much, but something inside me is insisting it's time I dropped the "happy face" for a short bit and purge this stuff. Perhaps it will make me feel better and I'll be able to get my energies unstuck, so I can actually do something today.

Sunday update: Well, the energies did not get unstuck, at least not enough to induce me to get dressed and tackle some much-needed housework. I spent the entire day alternating between two of my crochet projects and browsing online, pretty much like I do every weekend (and weeknights too). I usually don't get that burst of energy to accomplish even the bare necessities of preparing for work the next day until late on Sunday evening, and then I get semi-crazed about it because I'm running out of time. What a vicious circle!

I'm tired now, so I'm going to go take a nap. Every little bit helps and I'm also chronicly short on sleep lately, can't seem to sleep more than 5 hours at a stretch - and that's a lot.

3 Comments:

  • At 5:43 AM, Blogger Marvie said…

    {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

    I can certainly understand why April is a hard month for you hun. I lost my mom in April 21 years ago and I still find it a rough month, same for November, which is when I lost my father. It does get a bit easier as the years pass, and you do get through it. I've come to think of those months as a time to reflect and remember the things I loved about them. I can't imagine the pain you must feel, nor can I say anything other than if you ever need to talk and let it out, I've got a pretty good ear so don't hesitate to email me.

    As for the anti-depressants... I take Zoloft for anxiety and PMS stuff... it's not as powerful as Prozac and the only side effect I've ever noticed is it makes me sleepy, so I take it before bed... and there is a bit of a lower sex drive thing that I noticed so my doc put me on Welbutrin as well, which combats that (it also makes me a bit hyper so I have to take it early in the AM) I don't like taking pills, hate it to be honest... but I do have to say, since being on Zoloft, I have almost no panic attacks (unless I go off them, which I do sometimes... though I have to wean off) and my irrational anger (pms) is non-existant anymore. I may get a bit irritable, but not blow my top screaming and cussing mad like I used to.

    I think the decision to use medication is an individual (and their doc's) choice, and I agree that there is something way wrong that so many people are having to do it... but unless you can correct it some other way, and if your job is in jeapordy, it might be the thing to do. Ask the doc if there's something other than Prozac you can try, explain your reasons and concerns. I'd bet he/she can help you find something to help you out.

    Do some research into meditation, yoga, herbal therapies (but do research carefully on that!) and maybe give those things a try. Meditaton is free ;) Yoga can be, you don't have to take a class, learn about it online. If you have cable, there's probably a show or two you can use. Herbs and such will cost some moeny, but if you have a way to grow your own, you get them cheaper, you know they're fresh, and you get the added benefit of fresh air, sunshine, getting your hands dirty ;) and connecting with them as you grwo and tend to them.

    Just some suggestions =) And remember, if you ever need to talk, email me =)

    Marvie

     
  • At 7:24 AM, Blogger goldi said…

    Thanks, Marvi, for your kind and thoughtful response. I appreciate the offer of a willing ear, I may take you up on that sometime. I don't get much time to do much online during the weeknights, even less if I'm also trying to cram some crochet in (still don't know where that time goes off to). I may talk more about my ambiguous feelings about anti-d's on my blog later on as I try to come to a decision about them, if I feel my writing about it might be helpful to someone else.

    But for now, I think, the focus will be back to crochet. I am also going to send this to via email (through Crochetville, since your name above is linked to a "no-reply" email addy) as I do want to make sure you see this. I'm still kind of new to this blogging thing and have so little time for it - I'm always complaining of lack of time! That, and lack of money, lol! I will try to post an "I'm okay" message to my blog so we can move on here, and then I have to get going and prepare for the day, which is promising to be my busiest yet.

     
  • At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Joe said…

    Hi Goldi,
    Yikes, that's worrisome. :o( Sorry to hear how rough it's been, esp. about your son. I didn't realize it was only 4 years ago. I have some definite concerns about using the anti-d's due to my strong belief that nutrition, or lack thereof, contributes to our mental health. But I'm also aware that sometimes there may be no alternative. I'm also _very_ aware that many people have little or no access to decent food, either due to locale or due to financial constraints, and that's a damn shame. I also think it's part of a plot to keep us sick and depressed and unable to challenge the PTB, but that's a whole other issue.

    But just some food for thought (hee) and something that few people know: Fat-free and lowfat diets contribute to depression. It's true. Despite conventional wisdom about fat, we need things like butter and cheese and whole milk. If you're allergic to dairy, then things like coconut oil and coconut cream provide what the body needs. For more info, as if you're not infoglutted already...!

    http://www.westonaprice.org/knowyourfats/index.html

    Be well!
    ~Joe

     

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