Goldi's Locks of Yarn

My place to discuss my raging obsession with yarn and crochet along with happenings in my life and the world at large

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Seriously depressed

...and trying like crazy to bounce back from it, but it's hard.

I've always had a problem with arriving on time to anywhere I go. I am seriously time-challenged - I cannot, for the life of me, properly calculate how much time it will take me to arrive at a destination by X time. I am always underestimating how long I need to get ready and get out the door. I have tried every trick in the book I can think of, from setting clocks ahead by anywhere from 10 minutes to up to a half an hour (to the point where I don't even know what time it really is - I do not have two clocks in this house that agree on the time. Some are deliberate, some are just due to faulty time-keeping on the part of some of them), preparing everything I need for the next day the night before (and that can take me the better part of an hour, or even more - and I still manage to find things I've overlooked doing, ::sigh::), to attempting to cut down on morning "distractions", such as checking emails while I drink my coffee and wake up. Of course, without those "distractions", I have been known to pass right out while sitting in a chair drinking coffee and trying to wake up. I am not a morning person, never have been, and it hasn't improved much over the years. I am groggy for a good hour after I leave my bed.

Even when all of those tricks work and I manage to get out the door by my pre-determined departure time, I have often been sabotaged by a factor that I cannot control - traffic. I have actually managed to leave up to 15 minutes earlier than my normal departure time, only to have traffic cause me to be even later arriving to work! That has happened the last nine times out of ten that I have tried it!

And then, there's been the few times where I totally blew it and grossly overslept - while the alarm clock blared in my ear for over an hour, unable to penetrate the deep fog of sleep I was in. Those were the times when my "trusty" backup "alarm" had gone awol and stayed out all night, therefore not being on duty when I needed her. That happened to me two or three times in the past month, something which hasn't happened in a long time previously. I've been seriously run-down due to my continuing struggles with my female cycles (which I suspect has pushed me into an anemic condition due to the frequency and heaviness of my now every-three-week flow), and this has been contributing as well. And the depression has reared it's ugly head in full force again, after several years of hibernation.

I've been trying, god KNOWS I've been trying! But there just seems to be too many factors working against me, both internal and external, keeping me from my goal. And, to be honest, there is also the factor that I must acknowledge: I have reached a point where I absolutely HATE my job, and it is showing signs of getting worse as we go forward, as the corporate environment continues to get more and more restrictive and personally invasive. The only thing that is motivating me is the fear factor - there is absolutely nothing out there that would be a reasonable replacement for the job I have now, and my very survival is dependent on keeping this stinking job. But the way things are shaping up now, my survival is in jeapardy. I had managed to greatly reduce the tardies, but have been unsuccessful at eliminating them entirely, and lately it has been getting harder and harder to do.
Needless to say, this issue has been a major obsession for me, to no avail. I arrive to work every stinkin' day in a total hysterical panic, despite my every attempt to change the scenario. And now, it has reached the critical stage.

I got called in Friday afternoon and told that I was being "written up" for the tardies - I had 3 of them in the past two weeks, all occurred this past week; two of the three were due to my not being able to sign in fast enough to hit the button before it rolled over to the next quarter hour (and there had been traffic problems that delayed me the precious extra few minutes that would have made the difference between being "on time" or not), the third one was one of those where I had left the house earlier than usual and got sabotaged on the way in - a semi blocking the entire intersection while a freight train AND a commuter train completed their run parallel to us, causing everyone to have to wait through THREE light cycles. The truck driver had decided to start his left-hand turn despite the fact that the gates were down. I watched in horrified panic as the clock ticked past the point of no chance to make it on time, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I was sitting in a traffic gridlock.

I have been told that the next time I am late, I will be sent home for two days without pay, to "think about it". The next time I am late after that, and I will be fired.

I packed up a bunch of my personal stuff and took it home with me Friday. It's pretty hard not to be feeling fatalistic about this, but I can see the writing on the wall. I will go to bed dressed for the next day, and have the necessary things to complete putting myself together packed to finish it up when I get to work, if necessary (and will risk yet another lecture over that - my work life is filled with "you should be able to"-fill in the blank), and I will be hitting the roads as early as I dare, and just keep my fingers crossed I will be awake and alert enough to make the 40 mile journey without benefit of a full wake-up time. My life will have to be shrunk down even further, with only one thing for me to be thinking about day and night: doing everything I must do to make sure I am out the door at least a half an hour earlier than needed to make it in on time - and just pray that I don't hit a horrendous traffic situation that will be enough to cause me to lose my job. The entire rest of my life is on hold until further notice, to be slipped in when I can, if at all.

And while I'm obsessing about trying to get to work on time, I will have to squeeze in some time to work out a "plan B", which at the moment (considering where my head is at currently) there doesn't seem to be one available.

You know it's pretty bad when you wake up on a Sunday morning, look at the clock and think "is it Sunday, for sure?" It has gotten so bad for me that I have actually shot out of bed in a panic on a weekend morning, and had to calm myself down once I figured out that no, I had not overslept on a Monday. ::sigh::

I will continue to crochet. Right now, it's the only thing that is keeping me from falling into total despair, my only bright spot in my life. It's the only thing keeping me sane these days. That sounds pretty pitiful, but it's the truth.

This will be the last non-crochet post I make on this blog. I debated whether to say anything at all, as I'm not crazy about putting such negative stuff here. I would much rather speak only of my crafting activities, and after this, will hold to that rule. I generally don't like to communicate anything at all when I'm feeling down, and have pretty much been holding to that (as my friends, who haven't heard from me in quite awhile, may have figured - I hope). But this whole hopeless situation is eating me alive and I figured maybe I should at least put it out there so people won't wonder too much why they are not hearing from me. I just haven't got the energy for this, and I hate to share the crappy stuff. I don't like making others feel bad from reading my stuff, and I'm not clever enough to spin it into a funny story like other folks seem to manage to do. So I won't talk about it at all. Best to just stay focused on the topic for which this blog was created.

Okay, back to my crocheting - I am almost done with my fourth and last square for my contribution to Anne's comfortghan, will be mailing them out to Tandi tomorrow as promised. I'll take a pic of them but will hold off posting the pic until after the ghan is completed and delivered. I have to admit, I've been enjoying working on these squares. It has been a long time since I've made motifs, and I think I will plan to continue making them, perhaps to send to folks who collect them for this purpose, such as Heartmade Blessings. They are really pretty easy to do, and don't take much time to make. There are so many different varieties of patterns and colors available to make that it would be hard to get bored with them either. It's also a reminder to me that there are others out there going through much worse times than me, and I do need that reminder every now and then. Like now.

I am also going to try and push through this fog of depression and get my dyeing project going today. I am hoping to dye two skeins of Fisherman's wool, which will hopefully be enough for me to make a tote for felting. I would very much like to incorporate that spike stitch that was featured in the latest issue of Crochet me, and which Jackie used to such good effect with her felted bag project. I will keep a photo documentary going of the project at each stage, for sharing.

I also have some pics I will post later, as soon as I can get them off my camera and resized. All in good time...

2 Comments:

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger ThreeOliveMartini said…

    i jsut have to ask..

    are you an aquarius ?

     
  • At 3:39 AM, Blogger Dudleyspinner's Tie Dye Rovings said…

    Goldi,
    I had a job like that, actually several.
    I can really relate. I am glad I finally got fired and started my own little biznezz.
    send me your snail mail addy, please
    dudleyspinner@peoplepc.com
    I will send you a little surprize to play with.
    Thanks for the kind words.
    Deb

     

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